June 10th, 2014, 7:35 pm

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307-Personal space issues

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daviddoesntgetit June 10th, 2014, 7:43 pm

In my earlier days of sexuality, I felt a little ostracized to read about asexuals being into cuddling thinking that my issues with contact made me even stand out more.

I didn't notice I didn't like touching people until high school and I dated Stacy, before that, touching wasn't really an issue.

I had two friends I was extremely close with in college but they thought my refusal to hug them was more of a joke than an actual problem for me, so more than once, I woke up in the middle of the night to find them hovering over me right about to hug me. I didn't really hang out with them much after that.

It's kinda frustrating when even after I explain myself to people, they find it more of a funny quirk than an actual issue I have. If I can't communicate my problem to them, I end up just cutting them out of my life to save me the trouble.

Miriam is about similar to me but she likes hugging the people she cares about. It's been a problem for her lately since this guy at her job has a crush on her and he's been flirting with her by playing with her hair and blocking the doorway so that when she passed through, they'd have to graze each other, which has really upset her.


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Reealt June 10th, 2014, 8:37 pm

Ugh, that's super upsetting for Miriam. Has she talked to any superiors or something at work about it?

And I get the personal touch thing, I hate hugging or being hugged by people, even friends, and some of them try to force them on me and it's really uncomfortable, and I don't like them as much after.


pohjoiseen June 10th, 2014, 9:45 pm

I agree that people don't really take you seriously when you tell them you don't like touching others. I don't know though why it's so particulary hard for them to comprehend.
As a girl people expect me to be even more touchy-feely, since girls hug and casually touch others more than guys do. If you don't do it everybody thinks you are just a cold bitch. I remember one time a friend of mine introduced me to her circle of friends and then, to my horror, she proceeded to hug each end every one of them hello. And they expected me to do the same. About ten complete strangers. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

When I tell people I feel awkward with physical contact, most often they ask me if my parents didn't hug me when I was a child, which I find weird and mildly offensive. Like, what do they expect me to say? "My childhood was terrible"? Why do they feel entitled to ask such things and expect me to explain myself to them? I actually liked to hug when I was a kid, but now, yes, hugging my mother is awkward for me too, thank you very much, Brad.

Another weird thing is telling me to get a boyfriend to "make it better". I don't understand - I don't like to be touched so I should get a boyfriend who'd touch me more? How is that supposed to "help"???

I apologise for ranting and I hope you have a nice day, I just feel a bit frustrated about the topic.


Polka Dot (Guest) June 11th, 2014, 7:41 am

I don't have a huge issue with people touching me usually, but sometimes i just get very territorial and possessive of my body, and just shirk away from physical contact.

I remember that this use to bother my mother a lot, specifically when I was angry with her or we were fighting. She used to get mad that I wouldn't let her hug me or just didn't want to be touched - made me feel like shit haha. Thankfully, we've mostly grown out of that.

It confuses me that there are people out there who are convinced there's some sort of social standard or obligation or something to be all touchy-feely.

Hope everything with Miriam goes well. Best thing to do is just to be straight up with the dude and tell him that his advances aren't welcome - especially if he hasn't quite been able to "take a hint". People who don't take cues to back off from people they're supposedly interested in are generally - by my experience - too self-absorbed with their own feelings to notice how the object of their affection is reacting to them. Which is dumb.



roxjey June 11th, 2014, 4:35 pm

y-you dont? o.o


daviddoesntgetit June 17th, 2014, 8:28 pm

@Reealt: She said she's talked to her coworkers, but she gets extremely uncomfortable around confrontation so she ended up asking her boss to switch her to days where he wasn't working.

Yeah, I hear ya. I stopped being friends with people for the same reason, if they can't learn to respect my boundaries, why the hell am I wasting my time?

@pohjoiseen: Huh. I can see what you mean about that expectation for girls. I think since physical contact has such a strong association with bonding, people think it's weird. I can see why it's hard for them to see it.

What the fuck? People asked you if your parents never hugged you? I fucking hate that shit. Asking crap like that shows they're the kind of people that thinks child abuse or things like that are a good excuse for bad behavior.

Haha, I can see why you're frustrated by the topic. I still get pressured to settle down as well, sorry to hear about all that.

@polka dot: Year, our mom still guilt trips me sometimes when I refuse to hug her, haha. But now she laughs at says it's just like me, thank god.

Whoh there, no need to bag on Brad. He was making fun of me 'cause he knows me, I'm sure he wouldn't say the same thing to someone he doesn't know.

Well, there is a social standard to be touchy-feely, depending on the culture, everyone has their own standard of how much physical contact is considered healthy, i.e. skinship culture in Korea, hand holding between men, kisses on the cheek as opposed to a handshake or wave. The problem tends to be more that just because it's expected, people feel they have the right to get self-righteous on you and make you feel bad about it.

Haha, it's true. Apparently, she told him early on she wasn't into physical contact, she's asexual and also had a boyfriend, but whenever he responded, it was him making a completely unrelated comment. He was as jackass.

@roxjey: Nope. I don't hug our mother.


polka dot (Guest) June 18th, 2014, 7:19 am

I wasn't bagging on Brad! That was directed towards the people you talked about in your description. :3


daviddoesntgetit June 20th, 2014, 8:30 pm

@polka dot: Oh fuck, sorry, I replied to the wrong person with that statement, haha.

Now you get a free pass to bag on Brad all you want, haha.