March 8th, 2015, 12:44 am

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362-We had some good times

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daviddoesntgetit March 8th, 2015, 12:51 am

We had some good times. Our dad was constantly leaving us to go hang out with his girlfriends, leaving our stepmom to angrily come back and force us to have fun with her. She'd angrily drag us around and eat as much as possible and do as much fun things as possible, she was angry but it was also genuinely fun.

I never understood the idea of cognitive dissonance. I understand that her being nice to us as well as beating us were opposites but I also understand they're still one and the same person and it's simply that. The idea of attempting a good or evil label to her just seems reductive, a way to completely ignore one side for a label. It's kinda how I feel about sexuality labels, you can say you're asexual but maybe you like auto-eroticism but people fail to understand it. Maybe you're trans but it only involves, at most, temporary body modifications, but people will still be confused. Sometimes you're gay but you don't like sex but don't identify as asexual, but that will confuse people anyways.

I understand the need for labels, it's fast, it's general, but I feel like the problems arise when people forget that labels are just general. Specificity seems to really annoy certain people.

That's why I'm not an all or nothing guy, I don't like believing in only nature vs nurture, I don't believe in either completely loving religion or completely hating religion, I don't believe in either only hating white people or assimilating completely into American culture. Things that suck do suck, things that are great are great, they coexist and it's fine.

I've only recently come to terms with the fact that if I wasn't asexual and aromantic, I'd probably be bisexual as well. I think if someone asked me to just live with them and have kids together and get married but do nothing romantic, I'm up for either gender, haha.


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Oly-RRR March 8th, 2015, 9:11 am

I think your stories about your stepmother are quickly becoming my favourite ones.

I used to not get it as a kid. I'd be like "Grandpa's friends say mean [racist or just ultra right-wing] things so they are bad, right?" and my mother would say that no, they are people who have some ugly views but it doesn't mean they are "bad people", it's more complicated than that, and I wouldn't get how a good person can say or do something this bad... Now I get it, I think, and I probably forgot how it felt to not get it because now it seems weird that people don't get it? I mean I see it all the time with writing, people expecting characters to be GOOD or BAD and not a mix of qualities that's hard to label but you'd think people would have more sense than to apply this approach to real people... I dunno.

Someone told me that labels are a bit like boxes. There's a big difference between shoving a cat in a box and putting a box in the room so a cat can sit in it if it wants to. I think that's a good way to put it.

Your last sentence of the comment is pretty close how I feel about it (though I'm single so I don't think about those labels much, I mean I have no need to). I don't think I ever told anyone irl about it because it sounds oddly indifferent even though it actually isn't.


yaoi4evandnevayuri March 8th, 2015, 9:22 am

@daviddoesntgetit: David, I'd totally want to friend marry you. XD


roxjey March 9th, 2015, 12:35 am

You are really a grown up arent you?
i mean i dont even know how to exlain it but i think that everything you went trough was a mess but it made you grow up and you became so cool


Reealt March 9th, 2015, 9:47 am

That really reminds me of how I feel about my mom. She was really awful when she was being awful, but she could also be kind.

Her house must have been huge when it was one house!


Wolfdarling March 13th, 2015, 3:17 am

@daviddoesntgetit: unrelated but, I was in Richmond and I didn't See you, I'm disappointed ha ha. Also, the weather was awful the Whole day.


daviddoesntgetit March 17th, 2015, 8:25 pm

@Oly-RRR: I like that metaphor with the boxes, I think that's really perfect.

Yeah, it just seems that people really put a lot of importance on romance so when you don't feel about it the same way they do, they tend to think you're cold and unfeeling, especially since people tend to view romance as a universal thing. Especially if you look at the ratio of romance based songs or movies versus other genres, I feel like the importance of romance gets even more solidified just from volume alone. On the other hand, not feeling positively about familial love is viewed a little less unusual, I think. I'm not too sure myself.

I met people who were never interested in having kids themselves but still enjoyed being around kids and that seemed to confuse people, they explained it that being around kids was enough for them but people still had a hard time understanding, people tend to have an all or nothing attitude. I think I don't really feel the need for romantic affection since I have plenty of family and friends I care about, though some of them put romance first, naturally, so I sometimes feel pretty lonely, haha.

@yaoi4evandnevayuri: Well, thank you though I do apologize that the feeling is not mutual. I mean no offense but just joking about it is enough to make me uncomfortable, haha.

@roxjey: Haha, thank you. Hm. I'm going to try to phrase this in a way that does not sound arrogant as much as I can possibly muster.

I was watching a documentary with Connor on the idea of happiness and how people who went through difficult times, when asked if they were to go through it again, generally said they would. Even though it was shitty and awful and you wouldn't wish it upon anyone, when you come out on the other end, you definitely feel like you grew from it or learned from it in some way.

There are people who don't and those are the ones that try to one up you in sob stories and they're awful and annoying people. Haha, I definitely don't think I'm cool but thank you.

But yeah, even though the situation had a part of it, I still feel like it still partly just depends on what kind've person they are.

@Reealt: Yeah, life would be a lot easier of awful people were just awful in everything, huh? Haha.

It was pretty but Vietnamese houses are really thin. They're about 5 person wide, I'd say? So it wasn't TOO big, haha.

@Wolfdarling: Ah, I'm sorry. Did you have fun, at least? And yes, the weather has been awful. Though I have had snow days at work and that was always a pleasant surprise.


Oly-RRR March 19th, 2015, 12:37 am

@daviddoesntgetit: Yeah, totally... It's like some people want children but it have to be children they gave birth to, and some people are fine adopting, and some don't mind either way and some don't want children but don't hate them and so on... There are so many ways to live life.

And it wasn't in my part of the reply but I read it anyway (it's sort of hard to stop reading) and I agree with what you said about hard times - it's not fun then but eventually something good might happen because of those times. I only recently learned to think that way! :D

And haha, I've definitely met someone who tried to "compete" at sob stories! It was awfully annoying and not good for anyone involved, I'm glad I'm not in touch with that person any more.


yaoi4evandnevayuri March 19th, 2015, 6:52 pm

@daviddoesntgetit: It's all good! Talking about having babies makes me feel... Queasy as well. xD


daviddoesntgetit March 20th, 2015, 10:54 pm

@Oly-RRR: Yeah, y'know. I don't mind if people find people's preferences unusual. I don't expect everyone to understand asexuality or the nuances that go along with it, but I do have a problem when people feel the need to impose their views. When they start a response with "but", I tend to get instantly annoyed, haha. It's a bad habit I'm trying to get over.

Yeah, haha. It's not an easy mindset to get into to try to think about the future.

Goddammit, I just met a guy earlier who was also competing with sob stories. I wasn't trying to use my family's history of poverty to gain sympathy points, I was just trying to explain that expecting everyone to have the same cultural experience that are based on monetary gain is kind've an asshole thing to do as well as insensitive. Not to me, to someone else. I don't care if you've had a sad past as well, that doesn't excuse you from being insensitive to other people, christ.

It's like people that say, "Well, I didn't cry when my mom beat me, why should I feel bad for her that her mom beat her?" 'Cause it's basic human sympathy you fucking, shit jackass. GODDAMMIT. I am very mad right now thinking about it, hahaha. Sorry about that.

@yaoi4evandnevayuri: Well in that case I think you should just be having babies constantly. Get to it.


yaoi4evandnevayuri March 20th, 2015, 11:05 pm

@daviddoesntgetit: Nooooooooooo!!! *runs away* D': Ugh... I love children and all, but I think adoption is the way to go...


Oly-RRR March 21st, 2015, 12:20 am

@daviddoesntgetit: Exactly, not understanding something is okay, being hostile about it is not. "But" is such a weird word, sometimes it's like people cross out whatever it was they just said. I know it's not always like that but I've been getting more conscious of it lately.


And yup, everyone is different and there's no way to measure pain exactly but some people just don't see anyone's pain except their own, I guess - and it doesn't mean that their pain doesn't exist, just that they hurt other people instead of feeling better themselves. The person I used to know was like "Well I don't want to talk about my past..." and then would bring it up literally every day we talked without any prompts. I mean I like chatting about life experiences and all that but they had no present, just sitting around bitching about how their childhood messed them up and congratulating themselves about getting out of bed in the morning. There can be all kinds of circumstances but when someone says EVERYTHING in their life is someone else's fault and they are ALWAYS the martyr surrounded by BAD BAD PEOPLE it just doesn't make sense.

And hey, no worries, we all have topics that grind out gears! :) And like you said, your life is stressful right now!


daviddoesntgetit March 21st, 2015, 7:31 pm

@yaoi4evandnevayuri: Yes, agreed. Adoption seems best. Miriam is of the same opinion, the idea of getting pregnant scares the crap out of her.

@Oly-RRR: Brad said he's in for the "Less buts more butts" mandate.

Yeah, I've met people like that and I've never really known what to do with them. In my mind I think feelings are valid, people are free to feel what they feel, but my feelings are more like, "Man, shut the fuck up already." It's just, yeah, man, it sucks shit that that happened but if you don't move on with your life, all you're going to do is sit around obsessing over something that was in the past. Your life is more than just that part.

Kinda goes with what I like to say that your fucked up past doesn't excuse you from bad behavior.

Haha, thanks for being so understanding.